Leaving an Abusive Marriage Checklist

Phase 1: Secure Communications (Start Here)

Everything else depends on having a communication channel the abuser can't monitor. Set this up first, before gathering documents or money.

• [ ] Purchase a prepaid phone with cash from a store you don't normally visit
• [ ] Create a new email address on the secure phone only — never access it from shared devices
• [ ] Keep the secure phone outside the shared home (locked car, workplace locker, trusted friend)
• [ ] Do NOT change passwords, remove apps, or alter your primary phone — sudden changes alert a monitoring abuser
• [ ] Check your primary phone for location-sharing apps, family sharing groups, and cloud-linked accounts that broadcast your position

Your existing phone, computer, and tablet should continue operating exactly as before. The secure device is your planning channel; the compromised devices maintain the appearance of normalcy.

Phase 2: Document Copies (2-4 Weeks Before Exit)

Gather copies — not originals. Removing originals from the home creates suspicion and may be characterized as theft during divorce proceedings. Photograph documents with the secure phone and upload to your secure cloud account.

Identity documents:

• [ ] Your birth certificate and Social Security card
• [ ] Children's birth certificates and Social Security cards
• [ ] Passports for you and the children
• [ ] Marriage certificate
• [ ] Driver's license or state ID

Financial records:

• [ ] Past 2 years of tax returns (all pages)
• [ ] Bank account statements (checking, savings, investment)
• [ ] Credit card statements
• [ ] Mortgage or rental agreement
• [ ] Vehicle titles and loan documents
• [ ] Life insurance and health insurance policies
• [ ] Retirement account statements (401k, IRA, pension)

Evidence of abuse:

• [ ] Police report numbers and copies
• [ ] Medical records documenting injuries
• [ ] Screenshots of threatening texts, emails, voicemails (with timestamps)
• [ ] Chronological incident log (date, what happened, evidence, witnesses)
• [ ] Photographs of injuries with dates

If retrieving certain documents would be physically dangerous, skip them. Your attorney can subpoena copies during discovery — your safety matters more than paperwork.

Phase 3: Financial Foundation (2-4 Weeks Before Exit)

• [ ] Open a solo bank account at a different bank than your joint accounts, using your new secure email and mailing address (PO Box or trusted friend's address)
• [ ] Begin building cash through retail cash-back at grocery checkouts — ask a safety advocate how your bank displays these transactions before relying on this method
• [ ] Apply for your state's Address Confidentiality Program (often administered through the Secretary of State) — ask the program which records and entities its substitute address covers
• [ ] Request your credit report from all three bureaus to identify accounts or debts you didn't know about
• [ ] If you have access to the abuser's financial information, note account numbers and institution names — you don't need to copy statements, just enough to identify assets during discovery

Phase 4: Support Network

• [ ] Contact a domestic violence advocate — call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) from your secure phone
• [ ] Identify potential attorneys — ask the hotline or local shelter for legal aid referrals and pro bono programs
• [ ] Tell one trusted person your exit plan — they need to know where you're going and when, in case of emergency
• [ ] If you have children, identify their school's protocol for emergency contacts and pickup authorization
• [ ] Locate your nearest safe exchange center for future custody transfers

Phase 5: The Go-Bag

Pack a bag and store it outside the home. A trusted friend's house or a rented storage unit work. This is your "leave in five minutes" kit.

Essentials:

• [ ] Cash (at least enough for 3 days of expenses)
• [ ] Copies of key documents (or the secure phone with cloud access to them)
• [ ] Medications for you and the children (7-day supply minimum)
• [ ] Extra set of car keys and house keys
• [ ] Change of clothes for you and each child
• [ ] Children's comfort items (stuffed animal, blanket)
• [ ] Prepaid phone charger

If you have time to add:

• [ ] Important personal items (jewelry that's unambiguously yours, family photographs)
• [ ] Children's school materials
• [ ] Pet supplies and veterinary records

Do not take shared property that could trigger a theft accusation. Prioritize personal belongings, your own documents, and children's necessities, and ask an advocate or attorney before taking disputed or shared property.

Phase 6: Exit Day

• [ ] File for a protective order on exit day; file the divorce petition through the local court clerk or e-filing portal 1 to 2 weeks after exit, following local rules
• [ ] Have a sheriff or process server deliver the papers — never serve them yourself
• [ ] Be at your safe location (shelter, family member, friend) when service happens
• [ ] Change all passwords on your primary devices AFTER you're safely out and the protective order is served
• [ ] Notify children's school of the protective order and updated pickup authorization
• [ ] If staying in the home under an exclusion order, change locks and activate any security system

The Leaving an Abusive Marriage Safely Guide expands each of these phases into detailed planning worksheets — including a digital safety audit, a financial inventory tracker, and a custody preparation checklist — organized into a step-by-step system designed to reduce the chaos of leaving into manageable daily tasks.